This Is Going To Hurt You More Than It Hurts Me - Latest Comments

Re: Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

Lady Grinning Soul — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 13:00:40 -0000

This article is brilliant, and Drop is definitely something I, as a submissive, have experienced but never considered before! In fact, reading this, I think it is even something that has held me back from embracing experiences and partners. The idea of aftercare is fantastic and I wish I'd known/thought about it before.

This piece is really eye opening.

Although I know you're primarily concerned with sex here, I just wanted to go back to something you touched on right at the beginning of this piece, which is non-sexual Drop. That is something I have experienced with a lot of awareness. I am the co-director of a theatre company, for which I have acted and directed, and the Drop you get after a play/production is finished, is so similar to what you describe above, and so acute... and even if you're coming from another angle, I just want to kind of thank you for bringing this issue to people's attention.

It's important and this article is so relevant. Thank you SayNine!

Re: Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

Lissa — Wed, 06 Apr 2011 12:26:47 -0000

Absolute wonderful post. Aftercare is critical... The drop is near devastating without it. I've called friends frantic when I dropped and was alone. Knowing that my Top/Dom was proud, that he offered that bit of care and concern immediately after and even for a few days after was necessary for me. Play in a general sense is something I'm not good at because the aftercare is at times not present in those situations. There are times it doesn't take much to drop me into subspace, depending on my need, but pulling me out of it can take time and if I come out of it alone, I don't weather it well at all.

Re: What’s in a Name

kinkylittlegirl — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 23:13:52 -0000

<lol>, that is priceless!</lol>

Re: Confidence and Broken Fingers

kinkylittlegirl — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 23:10:51 -0000

I quite agree with all of the other comments. I'd like to just add that the sheer ability - and willingness - to not only apologize and to take responsibility for the mistake to your partner herself, but to even be willing to talk about it with others, is one of the kinds of things that actually *most* inspires confidence and trust in most submissives. Shit does indeed happen, but what separates the men from the boys, and the doms from the HNGs and abusers, is precisely that empathy and willingness to show your human, caring side. Sadly, all too many "dominants" don't get any of that, and think it somehow undermines their domliness to apologize for anything or acknowlege mistakes.

I'm really enjoying your blog; I'm glad I came across it!

Re: This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

kinkylittlegirl — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 19:57:05 -0000

Fabulous post, Saynine. I'm so glad to be coming across more and more people who are thinking along the same lines I am, both online and off.

I'm in the process of writing a series of posts on the parameters of consent that is and will be touching on the same kinds of things you are musing about here, and some others I've been contemplating. Like you, at this point, I think I have more questions than answers, but that's how the discussions start, and hopefully solutions arise.

Re: This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

kinkylittlegirl — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 19:42:36 -0000

I agree with your comments wholeheartedly, but I'm also aware that there are issues involved with naming names, at least publicly, and particularly if you are not the person to whom the rape or assault happened, and we do have to take those into consideration.

Even without naming names, I've written a lot about the abuse my ex dished out to me, and he has managed to largely silence me, at least publicly, with threats of suing me for libel, slander, or whatever. That risk would only be magnified if others not directly involved were reporting such things.

Still, we've absolutely got to find a way to warn people, or at minimum to not allow these things to go covered up and the victims shamed and blamed so much within our own ranks any more.

Re: This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

kinkylittlegirl — Mon, 04 Apr 2011 19:35:32 -0000

This absolutely does go beyond BDSM situations. The difference is that as a "community", we have all been walking around sharing the myth that *we* do not have abusers in our midst because we are somehow different, better, more responsible because we negotiate everything, everything is consensual, we use safewords, etc.

The very closed attitudes about keeping quiet and not exposing the community to outside scrutiny as would happen if those of us who are raped and/or assaulted did report the events to the police helps keep the high incidence of these events hidden, which only serves to perptuate the problem even further.

Re: This Isn’t Play. . . BDSM and Rape

Molly — Mon, 28 Mar 2011 11:04:12 -0000

I don't know what to add here to be honest. This is a great post and I think you have ansked some great questions of all of us who line D/s lives.

I am lucky to be in a commited relationship with my Dom where my safe word is always respected, which makes it easier for me to let go and explore my boundries as if anything happens that I don't like I know that word will always be honoured. However, I think that is harder for people who play with casual partners that they don't know so well etc. I am not saying that excuses someone ignoring a persons safeword AT ALL, far from it, but it just shows that for a safeword to mean anything it has to be honoured and the meaning of it accepted by both parties only then can you play safely and with trust.

I have had a strong rape fantasy and even wrote a post about how he started to explore that with me, called 'The Jeans challenge' which started of with me saying that if I had my tightest jeans on and fought him harder enough he would not be able to get them off me. He said he would prove I was wrong. It was an intense, exciting, thrilling, emotional and exhausting scene.....and yes he proved me wrong.....but it was one that took place with my full consent and participation in.

I could never enter into a scene like that with anyone but Him I would have to say. Part of the dynamic of our relationship is that he if he wants me he has me.....but that JUST applies to him and as I said, the safeword means that it can never go beyond what I can tolerate.

Previous to my relationship with Sir I was with how man who introduced me to swinging. On one occassion at a club I felt that I had been violated by a man who entered me without my permission and was not wearing a condom. Luckily I knew instantly and yes....I freaked......and gave him hell. The worst part of was though, that his female partner made me feel like i was being completely silly and childish and 'what on earth was I making a fuss about'. Her reaction was shocking to me, and left me feeling like I had done something wrong rather than the man in question. I wish I had known more about this area at the time as I think I would have dealt with things very differently,,,,rather than leaving the club like I was to blame, now I would have named and shamed him and reported him to the club owners who I am fairly sure (having spoken to them about it since) would have arranged for his swift exit.

Thank you for writing this and bringing a tricky subject into the light.

Mollyxxx

Re: What’s in a Name

Cam — Sun, 27 Mar 2011 21:53:37 -0000

As someone whose name is also theological and sexual I *love* this. ;-)

Re: Drop and Aftercare, A Discussion

seo company — Thu, 03 Feb 2011 06:06:48 -0000

Dozens of area weight loss patients say they were promised "a lifetime of aftercare" following bariatric or lap band surgery. ...

Re: A Journey Begins

Nabil — Fri, 14 Jan 2011 15:06:57 -0000

Hey there, my name's Nabil, I found you via Mollena.

As a Queer for a couple decades and by pretty much any standards (trans ftm nontransitioned kinky gay), I would like to officially approve your application for the term "Queer." Welcome to the Club! Here is your laminated membership card and your toaster. :)

All kidding aside, I've spoken to a number of folks who have the same hesitancies about whether they have the right to the word "queer"... my own sense is that the word belongs to anyone who wants to use it. Like "person of color" or "transgendered" when they were first minted, "queer" is an umbrella term that was meant to embrace anyone who embraced it back-- meant to forge connections between folks who are different, but share an outsiderness.

Basically, if yr willing to be seen with us dirty queers, we're glad to have ya.

Seems like I have similiar conversations a lot... probably because I date out bisexual men who've had lots of sex with men, but never dated a guy before they met me. :)

It's yours if you want it, darlin. If anybody gives you shit for it, refer them to me and I'll rip them a new one.

xoxo

Nabil

Re: FuckToyFriday The Audio Version 1 & 2

SlipperyWhnWhet — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 20:01:26 -0000

Yay! I love "slutty me" pics!

Re: FuckToyFriday The Audio Version 1 & 2

CaseyNaidoo — Fri, 12 Nov 2010 14:22:54 -0000

Yummeeeeeeeeeeeee!

Re: A Journey Begins

Mrs Robison — Thu, 21 Oct 2010 22:43:17 -0000

You are so open and honest with your feelings, jewelgen and ice empress are very lucky women.

Re: A Journey Begins

Polly Vincere — Thu, 23 Sep 2010 12:49:43 -0000

I really enjoyed this post because it reflects some of my own logic in choosing the label "queer" for myself.

I am a cisfemale, feminine woman who dates PEOPLE not gender, but it took me from puberty until 30 to figure that out. Then I wondered what to call myself. I also toyed with pansexual, but in East Tennessee that didn't mean anything. Here, people think of "queer" as meaning someone "different" and there is a negative connotation to it. Being the natural rebel against the norm I am, I now fully embrace queer and it makes me happy.

Re: A Journey Begins

Kimberley Robison — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 19:35:47 -0000

That was beautiful thank you for sharing with me.

Re: About

Brittany — Thu, 09 Sep 2010 17:54:20 -0000

Hi there,
Was just wondering if you'd be interested in reviewing a sex toy! Give me a shout!

Re: A Journey Begins

Jane Blow — Mon, 06 Sep 2010 10:52:10 -0000

Hm, Queer. Pansexual. Gender. Labels Labels Labels. As much as I enjoy the discussion, and it makes me think, I never seem to be comfortable with them. They do help with communication, and figuring out which seminar to go to at large events as well, but, I just think of me as "me". I know the terms, the many movements, even the words we have been "taking back" such as Queer and Cunt.

I've seem to be embracing the words "faceted sensualist" and "pansexual" when it comes to attempting to describe myself. In BDSM, I need a term for "I switch, but only when I'm in a teaching role, otherwise I'm very much submissive, does this make me some sort of 'pro?' does it count as topping from the bottom? I know I'm not a SAM ... maybe I know too much for my own good. Could this also be considered Old Guard? meh, I give up."

Good luck in your journey!

Re: I’m Here, I’m Queer???

Dinernighthawk — Thu, 02 Sep 2010 21:35:14 -0000

I don't find anything to apologize about in this instance of self-consciousness; my opinion only, but it seems to me you're less concerned with what people think of you, and more concerned with respecting the feelings of an already marginalized community, or being the type of proudly proclaims themselves to be something they aren't. Strikes me as something to be proud of.

I always thought "queer" was more or less a catch-all phrase for those with an alternate sexual preference, regardless of how they fit into the more strictly defined sexual orientations. I may have a different experience with the term than most, though.

A decade ago I was trying very hard to figure out a label for myself. When I started dabbling with the world outside of heterosexuality, I heard a lot of noise about there being no such things as "bi men;" there were just gay men with the courage to admit it, and gay men who lied to themselves because they didn't want to think of themselves as gay. Neither struck me as an apt description of myself, but not wanting to be thought less of by my new gay friends and boyfriend, I identified as gay for a year or so. Eventually I started sleeping with women again though, and I got pretty frustrated with kidding myself. At the time I was on the fence about even using the term "bisexual" again because I realized I didn't really want to "date" men anymore... I still found men sexually arousing and aesthetically pleasing, but I knew I was never going to be happy in a lifelong monogamous relationship with one.

At the same time I belonged to GLSSN, a community that existed to support young LGBT students and give them a place to network, as well as participate in events to raise awareness of the growing LGBT community in our ultra conservative town. I confided to one of the senior members that I was feeling out of place in the network now, and didn't know whether or not I was being a "poser" for sticking around. She assured me that anyone who shares GLSSN's social and political causes should stick around, and suggested that I shouldn't spend so much time trying to pigeonhole myself as a label as I was still pretty young and things change.

She suggested the term that I should consider using was "queer." She explained that regardless of who I was seeing, the fact that my sexual preference would always be "yes, please" meant I was always going to be a queer. So that's the definition that always stuck with me... anything besides heterosexual.

Re: I’m Here, I’m Queer???

ButchtasticKyle — Mon, 30 Aug 2010 15:43:02 -0000

heh heh heh.. you have no idea how welcoming I can be.. but I have a feeling you're gonna find out pretty soon ;-)

Re: I’m Here, I’m Queer???

Saynine — Thu, 26 Aug 2010 14:14:16 -0000

Kyle, your response means so much to me. Your welcome is warm and wonderful.

Re: I’m Here, I’m Queer???

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 20:30:33 -0000

IMO, the queer community would be proud to be able to count you among its ranks. The more voices we have standing up for acceptance and love instead of hate and bigotry, the better. The more people we have genuinely embracing and reclaiming what used to be terms of hate, the better.

And in the end, what matters is what feels right to you. If "queer" feels right to you, then nothing and no one should stand in your way. (Not that I think many would dare to, if they saw you coming. ;D)

Re: I’m Here, I’m Queer???

ButchtasticKyle — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 16:40:00 -0000

Good post, my friend, I'm glad you put it out there. I also use queer as my sexual and behavioral label, after years of claiming lesbian and dyke. Like you, my sexual appetites are not restrictive enough to fit into other traditional definitions, i.e., straight, bi, lesbian, gay. At a given moment, my behavior might reflect one more than the others, but on the whole, I'm queer. By the same token, given your description of sexual desires and attitudes, you're queer too.

My feelings about queerness have expanded over the years and I know plenty of outwardly straight couples who are plenty queer and they are some of my favorite people.

As you've seen and others have pointed out, claiming any label can be problematic. There are always people who see themselves as the gatekeepers to the communities they claim membership to. These are the people who will call the rest of us out for breaking the rules (as they see them) and will try to claim a higher moral ground within that community for the purity of their lives in following the rules. Bullshit, I say, a false victory and a waste of time. I'm proud to welcome you into my queer tribe.

Re: I’m Here, I’m Queer???

Shane Markle — Wed, 25 Aug 2010 00:04:27 -0000

Researcher Nikki Sullivan, in her book _A Critical Introduction to Queer Theory_ defines Queer as an ideology; that is, as a "sort of vague and indefinable set of practices and (political) positions that has the potential to challenge normative knowledges and identities." Drawing on a statement of David Halperin, she continues "since queer is a positionality rather than an identity in the humanist sense, it is not restricted to gays and lesbians but can be taken up by anyone who feels marginalised as a result of their sexual practices."

Re: Anatomy of a Mindfuck

Reno MacLeod — Tue, 24 Aug 2010 14:19:54 -0000

As someone with a very active imagination, mind-fucking is a powerful thing for me. My current partner is a long time scene player and when we met, I had no real experience. He's been wonderful, guiding and teaching, pushing but never too hard. I really appreciate the maturity of your words and explaining to others how important it is to know the difference between what is acceptable and what isn't. It makes a big difference for someone who is curious and wants to be involved, but needs a grounded trust to be present.